The Time Is Short.... relational evangelism just won't do anymore. No time to mess around with building relationships or wasting time with apologetics and such...it's time for Ninja Evangelism.
How does it work?
No More Knocking ON doors!
Many people don't like door-to-door evangelism, Ninja Evangelism understands that. Instead of knocking on doors, we knock them down. We give them a swift kick. A real attention grabber. This is also a real time saver (you don't have to knock and wait for them to finally answer the door). You grab their attention immediately.
After entering the home with a bang...you will immediately amaze your potential converts with a few Ninja signs and wonders.... grab a telephone book and tear it in two...chop through furniture.... Chop through a brick wall with your bare hands (or your head: if you are a more experienced Ninja Evangelist).... Bend a steel bar with your bare hands (especially effective in Prison Evangelism). Amaze your convert by your superhuman strength.
Then when you've got their attention: Boom! You knock them to the floor with a swift kick...share the 2 spiritual laws (we've made it even simpler than before...no boring presentations....just the facts) 1) If you don't repent right now...you are going to die and burn forever in Hell! 2) If you pray this prayer and really mean it, I won't be forced to kick in your face! Then of course you lead them in the "Sinner's prayer". Move on to another house as quickly as possible...there is no time to waste!
1) If you don't repent right now...you are going to die and burn forever in Hell! 2) If you pray this prayer and really mean it, I won't be forced to kick in your face!
Then of course you lead them in the "Sinner's prayer". Move on to another house as quickly as possible...there is no time to waste!
"I was sitting quietly last night reading on the couch, minding my own business, as usual. ALL OF A SUDDEN IT HAPPENED!!!!!! A youth, looking to be about twelve, kicked my door down. I had locked the thing earlier, so I knew it was quite a forceful blow. He stood in the doorway screaming something that sounded like, "HIYAHHAIL BENNYHINN-YAH" Or something like that. He did not look dangerous though a little thought provoking with the flowered dishtowel wrapped around his head. He then started yelling something about me going to hell and him kicking my face in. I knew then what he was and what this meeting was going to be like. I also have heard of hell before, so, meaning of course no disrespect, I told him that hell did not sound so bad, it was probably a dry heat, and that I had recently visited Houston, it's a wet heat down there. This seemed to take him back a bit. He quickly recovered with a round kick I can only suppose was aimed at my chin. By some stroke of luck it just happened to be the moment that I decided that my shoes would look better with double knots, I escaped unscathed as I dropped to one knee. I then offered him a popsicle, he mumbled something about not taking things from strangers. This is where I got a little roused myself. STRANGER? Who is he kidding, he is a heck of a lot stranger then I am. Maybe I should not give things to a STRANGER! So, I grabbed an orange popsicle and crammed it down his throat. I am not sure if this was the best idea. I may get in trouble for assaulting a minor with a popsicle. Nevertheless I think it helped overall. I then showed him to the door, or where it was before and sent him on his way. I spent the rest of the evening re-hanging the door."
Grrr, Jon (Not necessarily his or her real name, not necessarily but possibly)
Jon (Not necessarily his or her real name, not necessarily but possibly)
"Greeetings and Salutatorians,
As the gentle evening breezes flow, down where the shark bubbles blow, we approach the island of Lu Lu. Just let me reach down, into my saddle bag, and pull out a Spam salad Samwich. Yes indeed, ridin my pygmy pony across the vastness of cyberspace to the island of Lu Lu in the center of Montana.
We are almost there now, the lights of Lu Lu in the near distance when suddenly,,, over in the bushes,,, there is a rustling. A subtle movement in the dental floss bush that was only planted last spring. And out jumps this kid,, looks to be about 12 or 14 years of age. It is hard to tell in the darkness, and on top of that he is wearing black pajamas. He begins to slowly circle my horse, walking in a half-crouch position. Muttering something only understood by himself, at this point. As I watch him carefully, worried that he might spook my horse, and knowing of the dangers of being dragged by a horse of such short stature, I slowly lower my feet to the ground. Something of his behavior nags at my memory, but as of yet I can't place just what or who this lad might be. Then suddenly, with a rush of realism as potent as that first Mountain Dew in the morning, I recall just what this person is, a Teen Age Mutant Ninja Pentecostal! I had heard of these folks whilst surfing the web one day, but thought that they'd never make it to Montana. But here I am, face to face with a Spam breath radical of the strangest sort. As he continues to circle my horse, he begins to wail a chant something on the order of HAIL BENNY or something like that. He then proceeds to tell me that I am lost and going to Hell unless I let him slap the devil out of me or some such nonsense. I assured him that I knew exactly where I was, and that I was headed to LU LU, the lights of which are now brightly visible in the night sky. I recalled from other's encounters with these folk that they weren't of the brightest sort, and hoped to keep him talking with the thought of confusing him and making my escape. Well he kept on babbling utter nonsense and every now and then would say something about waiting till later to tie my shoes. Then all of a sudden, he attacked with one of their martial arts witnessing moves, but due to the darkness of the night and the abnormally small size of my horse, he misjudged his attack and flew over the head and neck of my pygmy pony and got himself tangled in the dental floss bush. Realizing how long it can take to get untangled from one of those stringy bushes, I merely prodded my horse and we continued on to LU LU at our original pace. Sure was good to get back amongst the sanity of the militia members.
Hope my testimony helps in the discovery of this new and radical group.
As Always,
O'Brian" (Is this his real name?, I think not...therefore I'm not....wait a minute this is not a time to be delving into deep philosophical arguments...we shall leave those for the Spiral Loop Perm Page).
SPECIAL OFFER:
Order the book "A Non-Confronters Guide to Ninja Evangelism" today and we'll send you a special Ninja headband/prayer cloth (it's a headband and it's a prayer cloth all in one)! Order before Midnight tonight and the price will be only $ 69.95 for this beautifully illustrated (Comic book style) 24 page book. Send your orders to: jmaze4@juno.com.
For information regarding a Preteen Baptist Ninja Pentecostal Evangelism Training Seminar, write for more information from: flez@southwind.net.
For information regarding a Preteen Baptist Ninja Pentecostal Victims Recovery Support Group email me at JeffSyv@concentric.net. Do you have a story to tell about an encounter with Ninja Evangelism? Be sure to let me know. I'll pass it on to Jerry Springer.
Any similarity between Ninja Evangelism and any other method is unfortunately very possible and very strange.
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