More Than A Fashion Statement!
 

Roy Syverson began the trend of wearing the now common "SARS Mask" back in the 1970's as seen in this archive photo (about the same time he began living in the Y2K Crisis). He is now being questioned by experts from the Center for Disease Control as to what he knew and when.

Infectious D. Zeise, spokesperson for the Center for Disease Control, surprised the world by announcing a travel advisory for the Tracy, MN area.  The announcement shocked the News Media.  "Tracy Minnesota?  Never Heard of it..." was the initial reaction of Peter Jennings at ABC.  Dan Rather said "Why in the world would the CDC be so concerned about a small town in Maine...Oh excuse me, M..N...Oh, I meant Montana...? Perhaps I was given some faulty information.  We may need to bring in an expert to clarify this, but I'm being told in my ear piece that MN actually stands for Minnesota.  We'll clarify that information and get back to you after these messages."  Other news anchors had almost as much trouble as Rather in locating the town of Tracy.  Tom Brokaw brought in Jesse Ventura as an expert on Minnesota affairs.  Jesse was quoted as saying "He had no recollection of having ever had an affair in Tracy...furthermore I have no idea why the CDC would even give the town notice.  It's not like we have a lot of air traffic through the Tracy airport ya know".  All the talk shows were abuzz with possibilities, but it took the sharp investigative talents of Geraldo to uncover the real story.

His investigation took him to Hard Times Farms.  A secret source thought to be a local veterinarian told Geraldo of some very strange diseases that always seem to be centered at Hard Times Farms.  Digging into some secret files, he discovered that Hard Times Farms had a long history of "mystery diseases".  The veterinarian, who preferred to remain unnamed (and was always annoyed by the fact that his parents had given him the name Bob) showed Geraldo a whole file of strange diseases that had apparently originated at Hard Times Farms.

Geraldo was able to finally interview Mr. D. Ziese, of the CDC, and was able to get him to admit that the CDC had been investigating Hard Times Farms for many years now and were especially concerned that the SARS virus showed great similarities to a mystery disease found on the Hard Times Farms in the piglot over a decade ago.  They also had heard rumors that Hard Times farms had entered into a marketing agreement with Spiral Loop Labs and their St. Theodore's Basilica Gel division to market a series of "SARS Masks" at airports around the world.  There are those who wonder if he isn't behind the SARS virus in some way and using this as an opportunity to market his fashionable masks.

According to another unnamed source, Syverson had developed about 25 different designs of "fashion masks" that are utilized in "disaster drills" at the Hard Times Crisis Management Seminars.  Further investigation reveals that Syverson first began marketing the masks through an order form at the back of his best selling book "Y2K RUOK?" which he wrote in 1999.  Expecting to sell millions of the masks, he had stockpiled them in the block barn and in several old chicken houses and due to the fact that Y2K was a bust, he had to come up with some crisis in order to get rid of his huge stockpile.

Mr. D. Zeise also revealed that they were now callings SARS, "the Work bench Disease" as they are relatively sure that the origin of the disease is from one of Roy's many workbenches that hasn't been cleaned off since the early 70's.  The mostly likely source is shown below:

The current theory is that one celled organisms are imported from Hammond Indiana and placed in a container underneath the workbench until optimum condtions are met and they mutate insanely.  Optimum conditions include extremly cold temperatures and fumes from the nearby hog barn mixed with the diesel fumes of a 70 John Deere.  When the temperature reaches 40 below and the fumes are sufficiently accumulated in the area, the organisms are put under extreme pressure and then quickly heated by a Knipco Heater.  Duct Tape is immediately applied to the mutating organisms to complete the process.  The result: SARS....also known as the "workbench virus".

Roy won't admit to any wrong doing in the whole incident.  But he was looking rather guilty in his recent interview when asked about his involvement.
 
 

The CDC is advising all travellers to stay away from the Tracy, MN area until the whole mess is unravelled.  It had intended to cancel all flights from the Tracy Airport....but weren't able to find any flights to cancel.  Still travellers are being told to be especially careful when travelling on Highway 14 or Old Number 7 between Tracy and Walnut Grove.  Traffic on Aspen Avenue has been suspended until further notice.