Deb Vickerman Wishes She Hadn't Eaten So Many Chads

Deb Vickerman Suffers Effects of Eating Chads

Deb Vickerman has been in Palm Beach, Florida overseeing the ballot recount representing the Dew Party and their presidential candidates Jefferson and O'Brian.  Apparently she decided that the only way Jefferson and O'Brian could have any significant chance in this years Presidential election was for them to win Florida-- hoping to keep any of the candidates from getting the needed electoral votes and thereby sending the election to the Congress (hoping for a more beneficial result).  Deb decided that the best way to alter ballots was to put the ballot to her mouth and then suck real hard thereby displacing the chad and then swallowing it so as to leave no trace of the evidence. While a few Republican observers claimed to have seen Deb swallow a chad or two, things seemed to be going well until Saturday when she developed a severe stomach ache and had to leave before the recount was completed. 

Today, Deb confessed to the crime of altering ballots.  "I know it was a crazy idea, but so is the whole idea of a Jefferson and O'Brian presidency.  I just couldn't help myself. "  When asked about eating the chads, Deb said, "Well, they weren't real tasty but I found out that if you just put a little salt and butter on them they aren't too bad....then they kinda taste like chicken.  It's no worse than oatmeal and they do provide more than your daily requirement of fiber.  I'd bet they probably lower your cholesterol too....that is if you leave off the butter."

Florida officials have decided not to prosecute Deb as they really had no evidence.....and besides it is her birthday so give her a break!  Happy Birthday Deb!  Thanks for the help with the election!

And in an related Story:
 

Kelly Thoma and the mysterious case of the burning chads Miami Dade County, Florida Another of the Dew Party recount observers has been accused of tampering with ballots, this time in Miami Dade County.  We have all heard of swinging chads, dimpled chads, and pregnant chads, but there were thousands of very unusual ballots in Miami Dade county with burning chads.  It seems that the count couldn't continue due to the problem of trying to handle the ballots with burning

Kelly insisted on candles at election recount headquarters.

chads.  Several election officials were taken the to the hospital with severe burns due to the improper handling of the ballots with burning chads. What is a burning chad? It is different than the more common "burned chad" and much more unusual than the famed "bar-b-cued chad".  The burned chad shows brown marks around the hole in a ballot that has apparently had the chad burned out of it. The bar-b-cued chad showed evidence of a burning of the chad but has marking over the whole ballot that makes it look like it has been placed on a barbecue grill (some of them also had traces of barbecue sauce).  The burning chad was

actually on fire, but mysteriously the ballot was not consumed.  Election officials noticed that in each case (burned, bar-b-cued and burning) the chads in question almost always were votes for Jefferson and O'Brian.

Early on in the process, Kelly Thoma, Dew Party representative, had insisted on having candles at each of the tables where recounts were taking place.  She explained, "I think it would create a certain ambience that would make the counting more pleasant."  The candles however would not stay lit and so Kelly spent most of the time relighting candles at the various tables where recoutns were taking place.

The second day of the recount she insisted on taking a break at noon to go outside for a picnic where they would have hamburgers and hotdogs off of the grill.  The election officials and ballot counters all appreciated her generosity in providing hamburgers and hotdogs for them.

Noone can prove it, but many feel that Kelly is the person who somehow has tampered with ballots--and is likely the mastermind behind the burned chads, bar-b-cued chads and burning chads.

Kelly won't admit it of course.  But she did mention off the record that she was especially proud of the burning chads.  She said she got the idea from the story of Moses at the burning bush....but she didn't mention how she was able to create a chad that would burn continuously without consuming the entire ballot.  I guess it's just another one of those mysteries that are so prevalent in this election.

Jefferson and O'Brian Refuse to Concede Election

Despite their poor showing in this years election, Jefferson and O'Brian are not ready to concede the election yet.  Jefferson said, "There are millions of votes in America that haven't yet been tampered with.  We are going to wait until each and every ballot has been tampered with sufficiently ,  Then whoever steals the election will have proved that he has the kind of character most effective for leading this country over the abyss into oblivion."  O'Brian added, "We are appalled at the way Al Gore is trying to steal this election by lawyers, loopholes and litigation.  We feel that the court system shouldn't be brought into this process.  This is a battle that should be won in the trenches utilizing only the best and and most time-tested methods of graft and corruption.  If you are going to steal an election, you ought to do it right and that's why Jefferson and O'Brian are going to keep on fighting until the last ballot has been tampered with.... I mean counted"